I seriously pray that I don't finish this post, well, at least not tonight. You see, it's 3:35 am-such an ungodly hour and I have been up since precisely 2:22. So, I figured that maybe if I write, it will put me to sleep. I'm not sure what that says about my writing. I guess it depends more on if you fall asleep while you read it.

Anyways, I have been thinking about a passage we studied in Sunday School last Sunday. We are in James chapter 4.

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a]

I am so thankful for this passage because it has helped to chip away at those cement blocks my feet are stuck in. I have been restless and tired from a battle I wasn't truly consciously aware I've been fighting. Actually, we all fight it. It is the battle of desires. I have housed a war inside this 5 foot 3 frame. The war between what I want and don't have, what I have and don't want, what is good for me and what is not. Our church recently had a celebration to welcome our new pastor and his wife. It was great-there was food and music and my boys' favorite-INFLATABLES! They threw their shoes off and tore out in every direction. Later, they came to me and said, "Momma, there's one we can do together!" It was a huge airmattress with a post in the middle and coming out of the post on opposite sides was a bungee cord attached to a velcro belt. Each boy strapped in and stood back to back waiting for the go signal at which point they were to take off and run toward a basketball hoop type ring and throw in their ball. The hard part was that they were pulling against each other. Now, my boys are close in age and even closer in size so when they took off in a dead sprint they didn't go very far. They struggled to get even one step toward their goal. Needless to say, they were exhausted when their turn was up. I keep thinking about that as I read this passage. My boys pulled and pulled in opposite directions. When one would finally get a few steps forward the other was going backward and then the other would pull harder in the other direction. They pulled with everything their little 50 pound bodies had but all they got was nowhere and tired. Do ya know the feeling 'cause I sure do.

I think verse 5 gives some insight into the makeup of this battle. "the Spirit He caused to live in us envies intensely." Okay, now I'm no theologian so bear with me-when one becomes a believer, he or she receives the Holy Spirit. The Holy spirit which is part of the Trinity of God, the Father and God the Son-a relationship so tightly intertwined they are 3 in 1. I would never claim to know how to explain the Trinity but FOR ME, I think of it this way (and God forgive me if this is totally off base). God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the same and yet distinct, much like I am a woman, a wife, and a mother at the same time-completely different and separate yet all the same at one time. I am all wrapped up into one. I may have just totally botched that but remember, it's now 4:30 am. So, back to the passage. If God's Spirit is in me, it is yearning for the other parts of itself which is God the Father and God the Son. There is a constant pull because their relationship is so intimate and connected. The Spirit in me longs for the Father while the flesh in me longs to chase after it's desires. The inflatable is inside my soul-make sense?

Now, you may be wondering, so what now? Well, hate to burst your bubble but I'm not there yet. I do know that the next verse says, "But He gives us more grace. . . " And also verse 4 indicates that we do indeed have a choice to make which I think will be my next issue to post about. But for now, In all honesty, I'm still battling. And this may or may not be a shocking statment, but I'm okay with that. I don't mind warring it out because I know working out and through these battles will produce a quality faith-one that is not a mile wide and an inch deep. Sure it's uncomfortable and I am so very tired but in the end I pray that the faith that is formed in me will not only be wide but deep and unfathomable and when I can no longer see the bottom of it I will know that it has all been worth it.