I love the passage in Genesis where Jacob wrestled with God.  It might just be one of the most encouraging and freeing passages for me in my journey with Him.  During a particularly lonely and seemingly hopeless time in my life I wrestled with God myself.  I struggled with Him over the how's, the why's, and what for's of my pain.  At times I was angry with Him, at times I felt He was unkind, other times I resented His silence.  Sometimes I was too weak to do anything but sit dumbfounded and hurt in the presence of Someone I felt was ignoring me.  On top of my pain, I felt guilty about my feelings toward God.  But this story of Jacob brought the realization that I CAN wrestle with God.  It's OK to fight it out!  He's not afraid of my questions, my emotions and anger, my confusion.  My questions do not intimidate Him or cause Him to raise His defenses.  If you are willing to wrestle then there is still some fight left in you and there is still a desire for relationship.  Like Jacob, I said, "I will not let go!  I may not understand You, forgive me but I may not even like You!  I'm hanging on by a fingernail but I cannot and will not let You go!  Bless me!"
I still don't have all my answers I was looking for, but I did get the ones I needed.  Even more-oh how sweet You are LORD-I got Him.  We wrestled it out together-Him and me.  His blood, sweat and tears mixed with mine.  He wasn't sitting far off watching me struggle.  He was more than willing to get in there and get His hands dirty.  All I had to do was hang on if even by that one fingernail.  He was in there fighting with me for the answers I needed and helping me trust Him for the answers I don't need.  We have an understanding that it is possible for me to not let go even when I want to and He'll never let go and He'll never want to.  Sure, He left some battle scars.  Real battles always leave scars or they're not real battles. Scars are signs of wounds but they are also signs of healing.  The wounds are painful but God's own hands binding up my wounds so lovingly are such a worthwhile reward.  Like Jacob, I walk with a limp of sorts.  But my scars tell a story-my HIStory of struggle, faith, perserverance and of course love. You can't buy that at a Barnes and Noble!  Over time, I think my scars have gotten quite beautiful and they just might be my most prized possession.

Well yall, it's time for my first quote and I gotta tell ya-I love this one!  It's from the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller.
"It feels better to have people love the real me than the me I invented."
I've had a few people inform me lately that they think I "have it all together".  To be honest, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Laugh because it's so far from the truth that it's comical, or cry because I've led people to believe a lie and for that I apologize.  So today, I am dispelling the rumors.
Spend one day in my house or better yet, ask my husband and children, and they will tell you that I do NOT "have it all together".  They love me so they will probably try and sugar coat it but they know the truth.  I'm extremely impatient and quick to lose my temper and yell.  I'm very lazy and the worst procrastinator.  Sometimes I don't keep my promises.  I have a lot of fear and doubt in me that causes many problems.  And please tell me there is another mother out there that will admit that she does not like to play!!! (I feel so guilty about that all the time.)  I'm pretty critical and manipulative.  I struggle tremedously with pride, rebellion and legalism.  I could go on and on but I just wanted to give you a glimpse of who you're dealing with here.  I don't tell you all these things to come down on myself or beat myself up.  Actually, there's great freedom in it.  Now, I am free to have relationships with others based on honesty.  No holds barred interaction we can learn from and change from.
I will tell you this-if there is anything in my life that is "together", it is because Jesus put it together and He's holding it together!  I don't have to hide my weaknesses but I can "boast gladly" about them because it gives me the opportunity to show all that Christ can do in a life.  I still want you to like me but I'd much rather you like the Jesus in me-it's much better.  I know it may sound cliche, but God really likes me.  I could pick the petals off all the flowers in the world and I will always end up with "He loves me".  I need to know that and really believe it or I'm a mess.
Hey!  I found something that I've just got to tell ya!  I'm not a Bible scholar so I really hope I'm not misinterpreting Scripture.  Romans 4:17 says"God. . . calls things that are not as if they were".  I believe it is talking about how God can create things out of nonexistance but I'm encouraged by what may just be a bonus meaning.  He calls me like He sees me-no hiding it.  But He also sees me as I COULD be!  Anybody else need to know that besides me?  Through the lens of Christ, He sees me as patient, gentle of speech, a hard worker, a promise keeper, loving, unselfish, humble, obedient and full of grace!  How's that for self-esteem?!  He's redeemed me ya'll!  I can't get over it and I hope I never do.