A Sealed Wanderer
For all my love of the more contemporary Christian music, I have in the last few years come to appreciate and love the traditional hymns. They are so profound when you read them, full of solid doctrine and beautiful poetic language. One of my favorites is "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing":
"O to grace how great a debtor/Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter/Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."
I have found myself struggling lately in that discouraging paradox of being "sealed" ("Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come"-2Corinthians 1:21-22) and yet still so stinkin' "prone to wander". The wandering has been the more prominent companion in my heart these days and has left me feeling restless and stale. The fight between going my own way, chasing after "lesser things" to occupy my mind, hands and time and "knowing better" is draining. So, the other day, I'm unloading the dishwasher for the third, yes third, time and I'm thinking "How did I get to this point? and Why am I so indifferent toward the things of God lately?" I start running through people and circumstances that are difficult for me and all the "If only. . . . " scenarios. Well, the next thing I know, a miracle occured. God inhabited my iPod! Yes, that is correct. I am now convinced that the God of all the universe is in my iPod! Because, right smack dab in the middle of my Blame/Pity party, these lyrics ring out:
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart
now there's a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i'm feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me
i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
'cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart
i've got alibis for every crime
a sbustitute to do my time
'cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
"O to grace how great a debtor/Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter/Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."
I have found myself struggling lately in that discouraging paradox of being "sealed" ("Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come"-2Corinthians 1:21-22) and yet still so stinkin' "prone to wander". The wandering has been the more prominent companion in my heart these days and has left me feeling restless and stale. The fight between going my own way, chasing after "lesser things" to occupy my mind, hands and time and "knowing better" is draining. So, the other day, I'm unloading the dishwasher for the third, yes third, time and I'm thinking "How did I get to this point? and Why am I so indifferent toward the things of God lately?" I start running through people and circumstances that are difficult for me and all the "If only. . . . " scenarios. Well, the next thing I know, a miracle occured. God inhabited my iPod! Yes, that is correct. I am now convinced that the God of all the universe is in my iPod! Because, right smack dab in the middle of my Blame/Pity party, these lyrics ring out:
i've got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i've got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i've traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies
i thought the cattle on a thousand hillsi've got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i've traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart
now there's a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i'm feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me
i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
'cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart
i've got alibis for every crime
a sbustitute to do my time
'cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
Talk about nailing it on the head! Oh but wait, it doesn't stop there. Then, I hear "Love is Relentless" by Jill Phillips. Guys, you can't even hardly find this song anywhere on the internet. It was like, wedged in a compilation CD from who knows when. So, the lyrics of the chorus:
"Your love is relentless
Your touch leaves me defenseless
I fight, I scream, I shout
I run, til the road runs out
But Your desire is endless
Your love is relentless"
Pretty much the soundtrack of my spiritual life for this season! Now, this is the part that makes me a little nervous. I'm thinking, "God, I don't desire the things of You these days-I really want to, but I don't. It doesn't come naturally, instead it feels like hard work. God, I feel so far from You lately but I know You're still there so what do I do?" Immediately, the thought came "Just choose Me." Three simple words that carry such tremendous weight. That is my first step-to choose to choose Him. Now what? This was where it got downright scary because the next thought was "Write about it." Can ya hear the crash of the dishes I was putting away?! Now, I don't mind sharing little bits of my crazy life or interesting things I've discovered, but my own personal journey of faith NOT leaving out all the yucky stuff -well good grief! I can just picture mothers shielding their children and moving to the other side of the hallway when I pass by! But, I've already chosen to choose HIM, so I'm thinking that saying "I don't think so" at this point would be a step in the wrong the direction. So, I guess the blog will take a slightly new direction for awhile. I will be writing honestly through a spiritually shallow point in my life right now. I will not advertise new entries since, to be honest, I'm nervous for anyone to read them. I have 2 rules for myself (and anyone who might want to discuss):
1. I will not make excuses or blame others. A low point in my spiritual walk is never dependent on someone else or some situation. "You can't change how you got here, but you can change what you do from here." -paraphrasing Ergun Caner
2. I will be gut level honest-no sugar coating. The truth is sometimes messy but a wise man once said, "I will sacrifice cleanliness for authenticity anyday."
So, on this road, I hope that you will be a fellow passenger. If you are not a Christ follower, I hope that I don't scare you away or feed any misconceptions you may have about those who profess to be one. Instead, I hope you will find it insightful, refreshing, helpful and maybe it will even inspire some questions and seeking in your own life. Please feel free to comment or ask questions. If you are a Christ follower, my hope is that you might lift me up in your prayers. I am not naive and so I know that this is a battle. I am not afraid because I am following my Jehovah Nissi (The LORD my Banner) and I am assured victory, but I am in great need of courage, faith, a will to obey and the strength to continue choosing Him each day. I also hope that you might be encouraged, especially if you have ever been in the same boat and felt like you were all alone and the only one who just couldn't seem to pull it all together. I hope you will also feel free to comment and maybe we can build each other up.
Well, I must move on to my daily responsibilities but I will be writing soon! I am including the songs referred to in this post for your enjoyment (except for the Jill Phillips song which like I said is so obscure, it's crazy that it even popped up on my iPod). The second song has a forever long intro but you can just fast forward a little. Enjoy!
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