Today marks a tragic day in my life-the discovery of my first gray hair. I've kinda always prided myself on not being concerned with my age-embracing each year with anticipation of the wisdom and experience to be gained. As I get older, I feel like I get a little more comfortable in my skin. So, I'm a little shocked at my reaction to my discovery today. There might have been some screaming involved, and pouting. I was shocked! I mean, it's just a hair right? I guess I've just always felt really young, even too young sometimes. Like, even though I'm a wife and mother of 3, I'm still a kid. This pretty much confirmed that I am getting older.

So, what do I do? I think I'm going to take some time to mourn my little "natural highlight" and then, well, I think I'll just accept it, embrace it, even try and find some pride in it. Maybe, I'll treat it like a merit badge or a symbol of a rite of passage. I hope that will be the case but at the moment, I'm not quite there yet. I'm still debating, so I can't promise that I won't be making a trip to my beloved LaBella hair salon though!

I seriously pray that I don't finish this post, well, at least not tonight. You see, it's 3:35 am-such an ungodly hour and I have been up since precisely 2:22. So, I figured that maybe if I write, it will put me to sleep. I'm not sure what that says about my writing. I guess it depends more on if you fall asleep while you read it.

Anyways, I have been thinking about a passage we studied in Sunday School last Sunday. We are in James chapter 4.

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a]

I am so thankful for this passage because it has helped to chip away at those cement blocks my feet are stuck in. I have been restless and tired from a battle I wasn't truly consciously aware I've been fighting. Actually, we all fight it. It is the battle of desires. I have housed a war inside this 5 foot 3 frame. The war between what I want and don't have, what I have and don't want, what is good for me and what is not. Our church recently had a celebration to welcome our new pastor and his wife. It was great-there was food and music and my boys' favorite-INFLATABLES! They threw their shoes off and tore out in every direction. Later, they came to me and said, "Momma, there's one we can do together!" It was a huge airmattress with a post in the middle and coming out of the post on opposite sides was a bungee cord attached to a velcro belt. Each boy strapped in and stood back to back waiting for the go signal at which point they were to take off and run toward a basketball hoop type ring and throw in their ball. The hard part was that they were pulling against each other. Now, my boys are close in age and even closer in size so when they took off in a dead sprint they didn't go very far. They struggled to get even one step toward their goal. Needless to say, they were exhausted when their turn was up. I keep thinking about that as I read this passage. My boys pulled and pulled in opposite directions. When one would finally get a few steps forward the other was going backward and then the other would pull harder in the other direction. They pulled with everything their little 50 pound bodies had but all they got was nowhere and tired. Do ya know the feeling 'cause I sure do.

I think verse 5 gives some insight into the makeup of this battle. "the Spirit He caused to live in us envies intensely." Okay, now I'm no theologian so bear with me-when one becomes a believer, he or she receives the Holy Spirit. The Holy spirit which is part of the Trinity of God, the Father and God the Son-a relationship so tightly intertwined they are 3 in 1. I would never claim to know how to explain the Trinity but FOR ME, I think of it this way (and God forgive me if this is totally off base). God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the same and yet distinct, much like I am a woman, a wife, and a mother at the same time-completely different and separate yet all the same at one time. I am all wrapped up into one. I may have just totally botched that but remember, it's now 4:30 am. So, back to the passage. If God's Spirit is in me, it is yearning for the other parts of itself which is God the Father and God the Son. There is a constant pull because their relationship is so intimate and connected. The Spirit in me longs for the Father while the flesh in me longs to chase after it's desires. The inflatable is inside my soul-make sense?

Now, you may be wondering, so what now? Well, hate to burst your bubble but I'm not there yet. I do know that the next verse says, "But He gives us more grace. . . " And also verse 4 indicates that we do indeed have a choice to make which I think will be my next issue to post about. But for now, In all honesty, I'm still battling. And this may or may not be a shocking statment, but I'm okay with that. I don't mind warring it out because I know working out and through these battles will produce a quality faith-one that is not a mile wide and an inch deep. Sure it's uncomfortable and I am so very tired but in the end I pray that the faith that is formed in me will not only be wide but deep and unfathomable and when I can no longer see the bottom of it I will know that it has all been worth it.

Just thought I'd check in again. Had a full day today shopping with my Mom and my sweet Ella Rose-a nice little girls day! We went to Lifeway and were laughing about how great it would be to get locked in a Lifeway store overnight. Oh-surrounded by all those books-HEAVEN! I bought "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and couldn't wait to crack it open in the car rider line. I've heard great things about it and I've really identified with alot just in the first few pages. I'll keep you posted as to my thoughts along the way. So, it was a good day, event wise. On the inside, I feel pretty restless again. Ya know like I've got these great big wings that are aching to spread out and fly but my feet are stuck in a ton of rock hard cement. I pray that God will speak to me in some way and give me insight as to why I feel that way. I have no doubt that He will so maybe I should just pray that I won't be so distracted that I don't hear Him. So, I'm thinking that if there is anyone reading these posts, I'd love to get some discussion going. Maybe you've been where I'm at and have some words of wisdom or encouragement. Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about (which in alot of instances I'm in the same boat with you) and you have questions. Please feel free to comment-it's definitely a safe place to do so. Well, that's all for tonight. I think I'm going to go chisel some concrete!

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I have not been able to get enough of this song!  I love it and it seems that little things keep popping up in my life these days that keep me coming back to these incredible lyrics.  I have discovered that the more I learn, the more I realize that I have only barely scratched the surface.  Just when I think I've got something figured out, I realize just how much I don't know.  And so this week, Holy Week, I've been thinking about how much I don't know about the lengths God goes to to show His love for me.  That's really what this week is about, right?  Passionate love that's extreme and beyond our human comprehension.  Holy God, sent His Son to die for me and you.  Simple sentence but at the same time so mind blowing.  I'll admit that I've heard it so many times over my lifetime so far that I've gotten numb to it.  I hate to say that, but it's true and if you grew up in church in the Bible belt,  you know you'd say the same thing.  Maybe it's because I have kids now or maybe it's because I've lived long enough to get some heavy duty sin under my belt.  I don't know, but this year I think I'm just starting to feel the weight of that statement.  I tried to imagine if I was asked to sacrifice my own son for people I did not know.  No brainer-NO WAY!   But God sacrificed His Son on behalf of an eternity of people AND He DID know them.  He looked through time and saw every single person, every single heart, every single  motivation, every single time He would speak and be ignored, every single time He would show love and grace and be rejected, every single time He would relentlessly pursue us offering His best and we would still choose someone or something else over Him.  And yet, He did it anyway.  On my very best day, I will never be able to wrap my mind around even a fraction of that kind of love.  If Jesus would go so far as the cross for me, who's to say how far He would go to get my attention, to show Himself to me, to prove His love for me day in and day out?  The crucifixion proves to me that He's no holds barred, no rules, no limits.  If He's neat and manageable and heaven help me, explainable, then I don't really know who He is.  Like the song said, "I think I made You too small" and I think I'm finally realizing what a sinful tragedy that has been in my life.  There's another song sung by Mandisa (for all you American Idol freaks,er I mean fans out there) called "God Speaking" and the lyrics of the chorus say:
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you".
He can do and use whatever He wants to speak to us.  Of course, I believe He primarily uses the Bible, but think of all the other things He uses.  Nature, a conversation, a book, a song, a billboard, a loss, an obstacle.  And even crazier than that, He can tailor it to fit each of us perfectly.  He knows how much I love music and books, so He often uses a song or a sentence to grab my attention.  He designed You too and so He can speak to you in a specific way that can touch you like nothing else can.  WOW!  He does ALL this because He loves us.  He's already proved it.  He's already done the ultimate-you'd think that would be enough.  But His love is unfathomably limitless and crazy wild!  So big that even a glimpse into it would drive us to our knees.  So I have spent this week basking in my own ignorance, thankful that He has allowed me to know just enough to know that I don't (and on this side of heaven won't ever) know much.